“I just met him, he’s amazing, and all the signs say he’s my soulmate.” If you catch yourself feeling this way every single time you find someone who strikes your fancy, there’s a good chance you may be dealing with something called “limerence.” But what is limerence, exactly? And why are you feeling so obsessed with someone you just met? You don’t know them yet, and they don’t know you, so why are you suddenly convinced they’re your “one true love”? If you can’t stop daydreaming about every new potential match you come across, it means your subconscious is calling for disengagement. Let’s unpack the meaning of limerence before you start naming your future children.
Attraction toward someone you’re interested in is normal. When you meet someone new and you actually like them, your brain scintillates with “feel-good” chemicals—oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine. The positive neurotransmitters pilot you toward pursuing that person. Finding an ideal match is a survival mechanism, and your brain is also programmed for survival. But when various underlying psychological components maneuver this neurology, obsession tends to happen. So before talking about the “how”, it’s important to understand why you become obsessed with someone before you know anything about them.
Limerence Soothes Your Distressed Mind
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Limerence is the state of having a strong romantic attraction or longing for someone, even if that person doesn’t fully reciprocate feelings or show the same signs of interest. If you’ve had unhealthy relationships in the past, you’ve had traumatic experiences in love, or you’ve experienced developmental issues, you can experience limerence, according to a 2015 study. These experiences can pummel your self-worth six feet under the ground, making you obsess over someone in order to soothe your feelings of despair, loneliness, and sadness.
Obsessing Over Someone Feels Good
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Chasing that teenage feeling of being infatuated or in love doesn’t put you in a position to experience healthy and mature love. Empowering your adult self to part ways with your teenage self is crucial if you want to overcome limerence. “In romantic relationships, people look for immediate gratification to relieve insecurities or because of the ‘get everything quick’ culture. It offers momentary pleasures and a temporary escape from unpleasant feelings or circumstances,” says Sophie Cress, LMFT and certified Gottman therapist. If you crave quick outcomes or you regulate your emotions by fantasizing about another person, you may be succumbing to the desire for instant gratification. If you seek validation by associating yourself with a seemingly ideal match and you allow confirmation bias to solidify your fantasies about this new person, you’re giving in to an obsessive mentality rather than setting yourself to attain real, long-term love.
You’re Falling For an Idealized Version of Them
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Attraction can definitely be developed, but it needs to be mutual before you start getting ahead of yourself. When you both aren’t on the same page, you’ll just be left with a pile of unrequited feelings. Knowing someone well is a prerequisite for falling in love, and not having those feelings reciprocated precludes that love. When you believe you have fallen in love with someone you don’t even know, and they’re not singing the same song as you, it’s because you have manufactured an idealized version of that person in your mind. A study published in 2017 reported that people in long-term relationships unsurprisingly scored higher on “love tests” than people who claimed they had experienced “love at first sight”. The latter also didn’t score well on commitment, intimacy, and passion, but they did score high on physical attraction.
You’re in Love With the Idea of Being in Love
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Being a fan of romance is a great way to unintentionally—or even intentionally—obsess over someone new. “Society frequently elevates an idealized view of romance, upholding irrational expectations and encouraging the desire for such an experience,” says Cress. Not being able to discern the fantasy of love from reality can efface the resiliency that’s needed to sustain a genuine connection. When you start dreaming of your wedding with that brand new person, or when you feel the need to change people into something they are not, it’s a sign that you may only love the idea of love. If you love someone for surface level things and/or you find yourself constantly falling in and out of love, this can also mean that you only love the concept of love, not the real thing.
You’re Indulging in Wishful Thinking
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It’s not always easy to recognize that you idolize who you’re dating. Having high regard for someone is absolutely normal, but it’s unhealthy when your admiration skyrockets and transposes into hero-worship, according to a study by the International Association for Relationship Research. The tendency to idealize and idolize is often rooted in low self-esteem, so a normal, flawed, and imperfect person can appear grandiose. Other reasons are having unreasonable expectations from strangers, envisioning them to be perfect and hoping for it, and not comprehending the concept of free will. This encourages wishful thinking and calls for an overload of obsessive thoughts about someone new.
You’re Being Influenced by Movies & Fantasies
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Humans are attracted to drama, and movies tend to capitalize on that. It’s not a crime, as entertainment is not necessarily trying to teaching something. But it’s not a fallacious argument to say that certain themes do get ingrained in our brains, and some people believe that love should look the way it does on screen. “These movies frequently show love as being immediate and all-consuming, and can have a big impact on obsessive-compulsive behaviors like obsession or fixation on new people. People internalize these idealized representations and think of a strong attraction as love,” says Cress. When you rush into believing someone person is your soulmate and you live for the magical honeymoon phase that happens in the beginning of a re4lationship, you may love the quintessential rom-coms more than the person. Movie-esque passion can result in detachment from the reality.
When you’re plagued with a myriad of obsessive thoughts, or the obsession is dwindling your life away, it’s time to lift up the rug to inspect and clean the dirt in your psyche.
Your Attraction Is Not Based in Reality
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Building a real connection with someone you’re obsessing over is going to look different in reality than what you’re imagining it to be. Realizing this helps simmer down your amplified emotions, making you come off more appealing instead of stifling. Fantasies are not connected to your actual connection with someone. While it may look like that love is a moment or a super swipe on a dating app, it’s actually a process that’s worth savoring irrespective of the outcome. “It’s normal to be infatuated with someone new but it’s important to always remember the difference between reality and illusion. Self-reflection can assist people in recognizing any underlying emotional needs or insecurities that might be the cause of their obsession with the other person,” says Cress.
Here are some questions for self-introspection: Is my understanding of this person/situation based in reality? Are various confirmation biases influencing my perception of this person? What thoughts am I thinking when I think about this new person? If these aren’t memories/experiences with this person, why am I day dreaming? How much do I know this person in reality? What are my triggers when I start obsessing over a person?
Real Love Takes Time & Patience
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Being interested in someone new and wanting to spend time with them is a normal sentiment. But it’s crucial to grasp that it’s just an initial spark, and whether it’ll turn into the flame of love is dependent on various factors. Understanding each other means going beyond a “take me or leave me” mentality. Two people falling in love is a worthwhile journey and doesn’t happen in a trice. “Love is a deep connection that takes time and forms when people give each other the vulnerable versions of themselves. When people obsess over someone or get such thoughts, recognizing what the thought is, acknowledging its existence, and then bringing your attention and focus back to the present can help,” says Courtney Hulse, LMFT.
There are long-lasting benefits in having patience when forming a bond with someone, as impatience can mess with the process of developing a real connection. Learn healthy coping strategies when you obsess over someone like “conscious stream of journaling”, indulging in new activities and inquiring about your needs at that present moment. Tap into your emotions. Analyze why you want to push things forward, what your discomfort is telling you, and where the obsession is stemming from.
Your Expectations May Be Unrealistic
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It’s natural to appreciate positive things about people you like, but not at the expense of reality. It’s important to remember that the person you’re interested in isn’t all positive or negative, but both—just like you. “Maintain a balanced perspective, realistic expectations and understand that true attachment grows overtime. Focus on getting to know the person authentically rather than projecting fantasies onto them based on initial impressions or idealized qualities,” says Cress.
Here are some questions to maintain a realistic view: Am I overanalyzing or over expecting things from a new person? Is my opinion/image of that person based in lived experiences? Am I accepting both the flaws and perfections of that person? How can I enjoy the process of knowing someone more? What are my positive and negative traits?
Replace Obsession With Self-Love
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Self-love isn’t an alternative to romantic love, but it’s an essential thing to have before embarking toward a relationship with someone. Loving yourself goes way beyond bubble baths, “my way or the highway” thinking, and being aware of your positive traits and strengths. It also entails getting to know your shadow self, shortcomings, past traumas, beliefs, and the cognitive dissonance that inhibits your self-worth. “Instead of criticizing yourselves, try to understand the purpose of your obsession and why you experience these thoughts. It can be unfulfilled needs or your need to connect with someone or something else. Obsession can also be a form of distraction so find something meaningful,” says Hulse.
Here’s how to practice authentic self-compassion: Write down all the things you’re doing for yourself. Learn how to develop a growth mindset. Practice self-kindness while working on your self-worth by giving yourself the care you need. Show up everyday and work on your goals and desires. Treat yourself how you want your future partner to treat you. Acknowledge your patterns and be tolerant of your own shortcomings. Spend some time recognizing and validating your wins, growth and positive aspects.
Focus On What’s Truly Important to You
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Whether you’re dating someone or not, your happiness always comes first. Good people do make you happy, and there’s nothing wrong with desiring a partner who cares about your happiness. But seeking validation from others in order to make yourself happy is a recipe for disaster. “Foster a sense of fulfillment separate from romantic ideals by investing in yourself and pursuing various hobbies and connections outside of romance. Do mindfulness and self-worth practices and understand yourself more by understanding if your idea of love is healthy and underlying insecurities and emotional needs,” says Cress.
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Here are some questions to focus on yourself: How can I fulfill my wants and needs myself? What am I doing everyday to focus on myself and my wishes more? What brings me joy? How can I take care of myself and my mental health? What do I need to change in order to tackle this obsessive behavior? What do I worry about when it comes to romantic relationships and how can I work on that?
Changing your subconscious—and the neural pathways in your brain—isn’t a simple process that you can cap off in a day, but recognizing your obsession is the first step. When you start noticing these patterns resurface, you’re already a major step closer to breaking them. Reinforcement is to the brain what exercise is to the body. The more you sense and acknowledge this behavior, the easier it gets to desist from self-inflicted emotional ache and better your mental form.